Chapter 2: All Our Losses / All Our Griefs, by Mitchell & Anderson

Chapter 2: Attachment, Separation and Grief

We begin life connected.  An unborn baby is joined to a mother who provides the nutrients and environment necessary for the development of a new life. The relationship of the fetus to the mother is one of utter dependence, a matter of sheer survival.  Every human being begins life's sojourn the same way.

The pregnancy ends; the uterine attachment is broken; the child is born.  The first experience of separation for every human being is birth.  Some writers argue that the turbulent experience of being expelled from the womb is the origin of all emotional disturbance.  Such a birth trauma may not be the root of all emotional problems, but it is true that being born is our first experience of separation.  Being thrust from the safety of the womb is likely to be a shock; but it is necessary for independent life.  Just as the connection between mother and child is necessary for survival before birth, so the separation at birth is necessary for the beginning of distinct human life.

This brings us to a fundamental thesis: The genesis of grief lies in the inevitability of both attachment and separation for the sustenance and development of human life.  The biological connection necessary for the survival of the fetus prior to birth continues in social forms throughout life. At the same time, the development of the person as a distinct human being requires separation; first from the mother biologically, then from mother and others psychologically.  Being born is the beginning of autonomous life, but it is also an experience of loss.  Just as there can be no life without attachment, there can be no attachments without eventual separation and loss.  Grief has it's beginnings in the twin necessities of attachment and separation.  There is no life without either attachment or loss; hence there is no life without grief.  To become a separate individual involves undergoing a first lesson in mortality.

Nearly the entire remainder of the 2nd Chapter discusses the theories put forth by;
- Margaret Mahler in her studies of 'The Mother-Child Relationship'
- Melanie Klein's theory of 'Object Relations'
- John Bowlby's writings concerning the process of 'Attachment'.

I won't go too much into these theories as after all, I want you all to buy the book.  LOL

It is stunning to read how much affect that the earliest experiences of life are thought to have on the way you approach life and particularly grief for the remainder of your days.  It seems that early on so very much of your future reactions are 'wired' into you.  As a parent it's troubling to no small degree as we wonder did we do the best job we could have done in those early stages.  The answer is of course, no we did not... none of us is perfect and we've all made mistakes in raising our respective children.

I go back and forth in my own mind of thinking that so much of these studies should be made known to young parents and then thinking that too much conflicting information at that stressful time of child rearing might drive the new parent bonkers.  We might well run the risk of over coddling the child or conversely trying to develop the act of 'separation' too early.  Text books give you time lines, individuals don't necessarily mature on schedule.  Perhaps it's better if we just let the parental instinct take the helm.

At the very end of the chapter the authors delve slightly into how these thoughts on grief intersect with Christian Theology.  They quote a short passage from Martin Luther in his 'Letters of Spiritual Counsel'.  Luther thought that grief and morning are necessary but should be moderate in nature and duration.  Sad to say though, I suspect that even while Luther certainly had a logical and theological point on this matter, his thought of moderation was taken to the point where grief and morning almost became 'scheduled'.  There often is a time line applied to how long you should grieve, when in reality many times grief simply never goes away.

One of my friends and his wife lost a son to suicide almost two years ago, to think that they will ever recover from that grief and loss would be in my opinion foolishness.  I have not told them even once that the ache in their heart would go away, I have always merely told them to look for and find coping mechanisms.  For the wife it has been posting on Facebook and a tattoo on her wrist (among other things) for my dear friend it has been focusing on his work.  But what has really buoyed them through these times are their grandchildren.  Without those little children to hold and love I don't think they could have honestly survived the depth of their grief.

Though it maybe as children that we learn to deal with grief in their case anyhow it's the children that have provided the means to absorb and rebound from what otherwise would have been suffocating despair.

Thank God for all the little children.

In His Grace & Mercy,
Roy